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*You Know You're From Arizona When...*
This is so true...
You've signed so many petitions to recall governors you can't remember the name of the incumbent.
You notice your
car overheating before you drive it.
You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.
You know a swamp
cooler is not a happy hour drink.
You can hear the weather forecast of 115 degrees without flinching.
You can
be in the snow, then drive for an hour...and it will be over 100 degrees.
You discover, in July it only takes two fingers
to drive your car, because your steering wheel is so hot.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You run your a/c in
the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
The best parking is determined by shade.....not distance.
You
realize that "Valley Fever" isn't a disco dance.
Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
It's
noon in July, kids are on summer vacation and yet all the streets are totally empty of both cars and people.
You actually
burn your hand opening the car door.
Sunscreen is sold year round, kept right at the checkout counter.
You put
on fresh sunscreen just to go check the mail box.
Some fools will market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools
will actually buy them. Worse.....some fools actually try to jog.
You know hot air balloons can't rise because the
air temperature is hotter than the air inside the balloon.
No one would dream of putting vinyl inside a car.
You
see two trees fighting over a dog.
You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny
You see
more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River
You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves
You
can pronounce "Saguaro", "Tempe", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", and "Cholla"
You can understand
the reason for a town named "Why"
You can fry an egg on the hood of a car IN THE MORNING!
You hear people say
"but it's a DRY heat!"
You buy salsa by the gallon.
You know the difference between tomatoes and tomatillos.
You
can pronounce tomatillos.
Your Christmas decorations include sand and l00 paper bags.
You can wear shorts and
a tank top on Christmas.
Some 4th of July's you never see fireworks because it is too hot and dry to light them off.
You
think a red light is merely a suggestion.
All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out
come the end of April.
You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.
Most of the restaurants in town
have the first name "El" or "Los."
You think 60 tons of crushed red rock makes a beautiful yard.
You have seen
a lightning bolt fill up an entire night sky.
Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.
Vehicles
with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
Most homes have more firearms than people.
Kids will
ask, "What's a mosquito?"
People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are
automatically assumed
to be from out of-state or nuts.
You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're wearing shorts.
If
you haven't worked for Motorola or Honeywell at some time, you must be a newcomer.
You can finish a Big Gulp in 10
minutes and go back for seconds.
D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot
was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James a
sked: "What happened to the flea?"
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you,
that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."The
man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"The preacher said,
"No shit?"
A NUN & A CABBIE
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."She answers, "My
son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always
had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1,you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull
in to the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.But when they get back on
the road, the cab driver starts crying."My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?""Forgive me but I've sinned. I
lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party."
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer
of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names
with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the
plaque.
"Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor. The pastor said, "Well, son,
it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally,
little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,
"Which service, the 8:15 or the 10:45?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget is this particular Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with
arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued,
but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?
The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed!
A MEXICAN GHOST STORY
This is a true story. It happened in Pecos New Mexico, and even though
it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true:
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark and
stormy night. The night was cold and wet and no cars went by.
The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stopped. The guy,
without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door, and only
then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel !
The car starts going again, very slowly. The guy looks at the road and
sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray and begs for
his life.
Just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window
and turns the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared each time
the car approached a curve. Gathering his strength, he gets out of the
car and runs all the way to the nearest town.
Wet and in shock, he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of
tequila and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he
just went through.
A silence enveloped everyone when they realized the guy was crying
hysterically and wasn't drunk.
About a half hour later, two other guys walk into the same cantina and
one said to the other, "Mira, Pedro. That's the Pendejo that got in
the car while we were pushing it!
FOR THE WOMEN...
OH TO BE SIX AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her
birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in
the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered
out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered
her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie -- the latest epic, and
hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed
into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened "You idiot, I
meant my dress size." The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
MAN I'M TIRED!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed
home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids,
set out their school clothes,
fed them breakfast,
packed their lunches,
drove them to school,
came home and
picked up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners and
stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries,
paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,
do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and
Mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and
got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and
got the kids organized to do their homework,
then set up the ironing board and
watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and
washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and
snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,
ran the dishwasher,
folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
finished,
he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to
get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
-"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please, let us
trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to
change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine
months though. You got pregnant last night."
Subject: Christmas Golf
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning,
roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies
all chimed in and said, "Let's do it, we'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas
morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a big diamond ring that she
can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the Cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in
brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. I can't believe
you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning for either sex or golf,' and she said... 'Take a sweater!'"
IF A MAN SPEAKS IN THE WOODS AND NO WOMAN IS THERE TO HEAR HIM, IS HE STILL WRONG?
Okay, this will get back at the women for that comment...
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through
ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts.
After months of
careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your
car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve
card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE
PROCEDURE: Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth!!!! (except in
your case, of course!)
1. Drive up to
cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake,
put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell
phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier
access to machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN writt en on the inside back
page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press
cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15.
Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount
in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse
back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial
person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
SOUNDS RIGHT...
I knew it, I knew it !!!
I knew they would finally release
the ingredients in Viagra:
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
LAW ENFORCEMENT
THE BEST COMEBACK OF THE YEAR AWARD
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have
>>>been as sharp as this policeman.
>>>
>>>
>>> He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a
>>>felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's
>>>credibility....
>>>
>>> Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
>>>
>>> A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching
>>> the
>>>description of the offender, running several blocks away."
>>>
>>> Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
>>>
>>> A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
>>>
>>> Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this
>>>so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
>>>
>>> A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
>>>
>>> Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you
>>>have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily
>>>duties?"
>>>
>>> A: "Yes sir, we do!"
>>>
>>> Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
>>>
>>> A: "Yes sir, I do."
>>>
>>> Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
>>>
>>> A: "Yes sir."
>>>
>>> Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow
>>> officers
>>>with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you
>>>share with these same officers?"
>>>
>>> A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court
>>>complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that
>>>room."
>>>
>>> The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was
>>>called.
>>> The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's
>>>"Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win
>>>
KETCHUP
>A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
>struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the
>phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
>hitting the bottle."
MUSTARD
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh
bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmetmustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table
in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife
suddenly at my side.
"Here, hold
Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," shesaid.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching
again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my
fingers.
I love mustard. I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.. It was the first and only time I
have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand,
I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said,
"Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . . 'Poupon'."
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